Boundary settings with family and spouses can feel like untangling a knot of emotions. It’s a challenging journey, but as a trauma therapist, I’ve witnessed the profound impact of establishing healthy boundary on mental health. Let’s embark on this journey together.
Understanding the Struggles of Boundary settings
People who have grown up in unhealthy family relationships or lived through an abusive relationship often feel overwhelmed by concerns about setting boundary, impacting their mental health. These concerns can weigh heavily on their hearts and minds:
- Feeling disloyal to their family/spouse: Many individuals worry that setting boundary means betraying the trust and loyalty they feel toward their loved ones.
- Fearing they are abandoning their family/spouse: The idea of creating distance or asserting personal needs can trigger fears of abandonment or rejection, affecting mental well-being.
- Discounting the positive qualities of their family/spouse: Despite the need to boundary settings, individuals may want to recognize the positive aspects of their relationships, this dilemma brings about mental distress.
- Fear of consequences that may result in shame, rejection, or punishment: There’s often a fear of backlash or negative repercussions when asserting boundary, leading to anxiety and impacting mental health.
The Essence of Boundary settings
Boundary are like fences around our emotional well-being, crucial for mental health. They’re necessary for creating a sense of safety and comfort in our relationships. Without them, we inadvertently give others permission to dictate our limits, potentially harming our mental wellness. Establishing boundary isn’t about shutting love out; it’s about recognizing our own worth and deserving love, fostering positive mental health.
Empowering Realizations on Boundary settings
As a trauma therapist, I feel privileged to explore different perspectives with my clients and assist in processing their concerns about boundary settings, supporting their mental health. Through our work together, we’ve uncovered some empowering realizations:
- It’s not about stopping love for another person. It’s about recognizing that you also deserve love, crucial for mental wellness. Setting boundary is an act of self-love and self-respect, benefiting mental health.
- It’s not about whose needs are more significant. It’s about acknowledging that both needs are important for mental well-being and relationship health.
- Honesty in a person and a relationship is not betrayal. It’s about pointing out blind spots and addressing behaviours that cause distress, with compassion and understanding. They may be unaware that some of their behaviour is causing distress, not because they are a bad person.
- You won’t necessarily have to end your relationship with them. You can choose to stay connected, disconnect a bit, or disconnect completely, prioritizing your mental health. The choice is yours, and you can evaluate each option moment-to-moment, changing your mind at any time.
- Debunk the myth that the only valid relationship is a close one. The truth is that a distant relationship is still a relationship, something you can live with while preserving your mental health.
How to Set Boundary Effectively
Setting boundary involves both communication and taking action, and it requires consistent reinforcement until others acknowledge and respect them, thereby fostering mental wellness.
Express your needs, wants, and expectations, paired with a clear action you would like to see (stating a problem is not sufficient), fostering positive mental health. For example, “If you cannot discuss this respectfully with me, I’m ending the conversation now,” not “Stop calling me names and yelling when you disagree; it’s tiring.”
Boundary can be rigid or flexible based on situations and types, adapting to promote mental wellness. For example, “I know you are capable of discussing this respectfully; let’s try again later once you’ve calmed down” (flexible). “You’ve proven time and time again you cannot discuss your upsets respectfully; the conversation ends here” (rigid).
Overcoming Challenges in Boundary settings
Ghosting, silent treatment, defensiveness, and anger – the dark side of setting boundary is real and can significantly impact mental health. Being unprepared for these challenges is like entering a battlefield unarmed. Here’s how to prepare:
- Desensitize yourself when talking to someone who refuses to listen, safeguarding your mental health. Role-play with clear goals, ensuring effective message delivery through paired actions. Expect repetition; persistence is key.
- Instead of changing boundary, express feelings openly, promoting mental wellness. Avoid reasoning; respond empathetically when faced with defensiveness. For instance, “I understand your anger when I ask for space. I feel unheard when you continue to push. Please respect my need for time alone.”
- Challenge conflicting values gracefully, maintaining mental wellness. For example, “I appreciate your care for our family gatherings. However, when you criticize my parenting, I feel uncared for. Please refrain from making hurtful comments.”
Boundary settings with Emotionally Immature Individuals
There are times when we need to set boundary with emotionally immature individuals (EIP), often the very ones who caused our traumas, significantly impacting mental health. When setting boundary with an EIP:
- Feeling like you failed is normal: EIPs often react negatively to boundary, affecting mental health. Keep going, acknowledge your efforts, and recognize the success of trying.
- Don’t expect satisfaction from EIPs: they will never give you, prioritizing mental wellness. Focus on effectiveness and behavioural change.
Summary
Setting boundary with family or a spouse can be hard, but it’s crucial for our mental well-being. Surround yourself with those who respect your limits and distance yourself from those who knowingly cross them, safeguarding your mental health. Setting boundary is not just acceptable; it’s essential for mental wellness.
You are also always welcome to contact me if I might be able to support you as you journey forward.